I was grappling with a terrifying notion the other day, that I'm unable to write from the heart any more. Because I've started falling for the crafting trap so much, I'd stopped simply putting pen to paper and pouring my unedited soul. A necessary practice in my opinion. In an effort to derail this horrible train of thought I decided to see where it was headed in the first place. The result was this 7 page poem which I still believe is incomplete -
Your words seem wary and your prose seems to crumble,
When the thoughts you used to cherish begin to run away and stumble.
The truth you seek seems lost somehow,
And the light that was shining seems to have drowned beneath the flow.
And every little dream that crosses your mind,
Makes you wonder if it’s you or the world that’s unkind.
As the potholed roads seem to spin beneath your feet,
And the sky falls down catching you underneath.
So you set out on a journey not knowing where to go,
Hoping the dream that you had wasn't a lie like before.
And you travel through streets littered with burned down homes,
As the skyscraper citizens turn to God-fearing drones.
You know it’s something you can’t really understand,
If you did why would you walk through this land?
Why lay witness to the darker side of man?
Why put yourself through the terrors of the land?.
Why else would you wander here in search of a dream?
Where everything around you is something other than it seems.
That’s when you hear the voice in your head,
Asking you to look inside instead.
Asking you stop searching for that unheard story,
Because someone else’s life won’t bring yours glory.
So you pay heed to the wisdom that was said,
And for a while your life seems to move ahead.
For a while everything seems to go on so well,
When everyone is entertained by the stories you tell.
And slowly you see a crowd gather around you,
So you start lowering the walls that surround you.
You even give an ear to the fool of the town,
As he tells you the latest things going down.
In the middle of it all the voices seem to fade,
As the people start screaming, ‘Son, you've got it made!’
They say you’re on the right track,
Going at the right speed forward.
So what if it’s the easy way?
That doesn't make you a coward.
You leak a weak smile and tell them they're right,
But you feel a little sting and it’s your conscience putting up a fight.
You wonder again if the dreams you had were wrong,
Because the noises of the world is now your favourite song.
The planners and schemers say you’re doing just fine,
But the voice in your head hasn't spoken for a while.
That’s when the silence starts to scare you,
And you fill it empty words.
Because the truth you knew back then,
Is nowhere to be heard.
You swear you’d written it down on the tissue in your hand,
But the ink was washed by tears and no one can understand.
You wake up with a jerk and sweat on your brow,
You try to remember the dream you had just now.
You swear it’s the only thing that makes sense,
But the words you write don’t come to your defence.
They can’t save you from the truth of this life,
They don't show you the way to the light.
So you try your best to control these thoughts,
And you watch as the battle in your mind is being fought.
In the midst of the tussle the truth looks you in the eye,
But it scares you and makes you wonder why.
Why do you wander in the maze of these words,
Why every new thought seems even more absurd.
For a moment you even believe it’s god in your head,
Or the universe that speaks through sharpened lead.
It’s a comforting idea that you have no will,
You've been gifted time and it’s time you have to kill.
So you’re back where you began with the silence you don’t understand,
With a pen between your fingers and a book in your hand.
You write jumbled words and hope that you’re right,
Because the light that lit your eyes doesn’t shine so bright.
You begin to doubt the things that defined you,
And you try you best to leave them behind you.
But you can’t move on if your feet won’t listen,
You can’t fix yourself if you don’t know what’s missing.
So you find solace in the words written by others,
Hoping someone else has an idea about the things that matter.
You pray you’re not the only one haunted by these thoughts,
You hope to meet strangers who’re just as lost.
You trundle on down the road you’ve chosen,
And the voices in your head have all but frozen.
You make peace with the silence and keep moving on,
You hope someone else can understand this song.
Because you've started to wonder if it’s all just a lie,
If life’s just a train and it's passing you by.
Maybe it’s a joke and the punch line was lost,
While you were busy trading stories not caring for the cost.
Maybe there's a reason behind the dark clouds hiding,
And the hooves you hear are the four horsemen riding.
But you can’t read wisdom from the pages of a book,
The meaning disappears just as you look.
You swear someday the answer you will find,
To the questions that echo in the back of your mind.
Till then you vomit your words in the shape of a song,
And they seem to make sense even though they sound wrong.
