Things best left unspoken

There’s this problem with my voice. It doesn’t really translate the things I’m thinking very well. Somewhere along the line the words and sentences get jumbled up into something that means anything other than what I want it to convey. There are just so many thoughts going around in my head at the same moment that organizing and presenting them in an instant is humanly impossible.

But thankfully, my writing doesn’t face that problem. In this form my words are uncensored by what other people might think. While writing I have the luxury of organizing my thoughts as they skip around like fleas on a mongrels back. My writing is when I’m saying the honest truth, in a confusing way. At a simplistic level, when I say ‘let me put this in writing’, what I mean is ‘let me explain something’.

So let me put some things about me in writing. I’m not normal. Most people I know have this dark past which supposedly haunts their every relationship; it’s not a unique phenomenon. But it’s something I rarely dwell upon. That doesn’t mean I don’t have a history, if anyone spent time in my past they would lose their mind like I did. This is why I stay as far away from it as possible. All I’ve learnt is that the past belongs in the past, it doesn’t concern the people in my present and it definitely doesn’t concern the future.

Speaking of which, I think it’s pointless to postulate a situation and then try to guess how it’s going to turn out. At best you can imagine every possible conclusion to a story and keep changing the ending as the situation keeps taking unexpected turns. You cannot predict the future. Each story is just as improbable as the next, so there really is no way to play things out ‘correctly’. Which is why I pay most attention to my present and to the people present around me.

I don’t anticipate things or dwell on what happened before. The simple fact is that I’m too busy grappling with my present tense to be concerned about my past or our future. I know my worst fears lie in anticipation and my darkest demons wait in memory. I also know that happiness is a day-to-day thing, and that’s the best we can hope for in this temporary world.