Strangely deranged [1]

He wasn't at all surprised to find himself falling back on the unreliable self. Although a familiar feeling, in his head depression was a horrible crutch to lay weight on. It is stronger than most emotions, true. But it's like holding a red hot iron for support, not being able to lean on it or move without it. In hindsight, baring his very soul to another human being may have been a spectacularly bad idea. He should never have gone that far when she came along. Especially knowing that she wouldn't be around to deal with the aftermath. So far, not having anyone to hold and treasure created this cloud of misplaced bliss for him to hide under. A place of ignorant happiness; Population 1. Suddenly, his world had to make room for twice as many people and as always, it's hard to accommodate strangers. Somehow he managed to let the beautiful spectre in, shifting the garbage in his head so that thoughts of her can have some unadulterated space. In both their minds, this was a temporary arrangement. At least it started as that. A relationship with an expiry date. An equation with the uncomfortable solution already written out, waiting for both of them to just run the rituals and reach the conclusion. That didn't seem to stop it from being the best thing in his life. So, despite the voices in his head and the warnings ringing all around, they kept at it. Trying to disprove logic with emotion. But in his head, she walked out of his life the moment she stepped on that train. Or was it a plane? Bah, it doesn't really matter. The fact remains that she left and left him behind. And all the love, joy, fulfilment that he felt for that little while took to the wind after her. All the space he made in his psyche was left hollowed by a lack of her physical presence. His already scattered brain was shaken up so much that, for a while, everything made too much sense. Like a reverse black hole, it started pushing out from the centre, crushing his treasured garbage bin of dark thoughts and strange ideas. His whole and soul slowly being eaten up by an emotion he was never prepared for. He'd never felt these things. Depression, solitude and a few fake laughs was his entire existence. Covering the face of his fucked up self from everyone around was just the right way to be. Now he felt exposed, veering towards the deranged. Despite being alone throughout his life, for the first time, he understood what it meant to be lonely.