Strangely deranged [3]

Tyler Durden: Where'd you go, psycho boy?
Narrator: I felt like destroying something beautiful.

For the longest time, this fictional emotion was a frightful thing. The naked honesty of it was terrifying to this simple mind. Reading these quotes, or rather ideas, that would drive his thoughts to dark places that were sure to morph him into a darker person. The naivete of his own brain is anyway heavily underrated. It is an easily influenced organ, changing to adapt and shifting as a response to the slightest of external stimuli. The brain that wishes to think is more susceptible to inception. Because it is already willing to accept as many new ideas as possible, it can pass off another's thought as it's own with callous justification. It is a waiting receptor. An open port. Which will take any ship in the storm. For him, it is easier to just let these ideas be injected so that there may be someone to blame when the cards fall down. Even if it is the one person who does the best job of clearing his mind in the first place. Which brings us to the point of his dilemma.

If you love someone, wholly and truly, unlike anyone who you've ever had a shred of feelings for. More than even your mother. If you find someone who sparks this insane emotion in you and by some miracle you evoke the same in their very soul, does it matter if your bodies unite? Is a physical bond needed to consummate two souls that vibrate at the same wavelength? Or will it be a shallow confession to say an orgasm is equivalent to heartfelt love?

Admittedly, the honest answer will differ from person to person. But does wanting someone in every way possible make you a worse human being? Intercourse has always been the accepted progression of things, in his case it has often been what begins love instead of what comes next. For the first time the natural order of getting to understand someone before sleeping with them had been followed. Now at the moment of decision he is faced with derision from these unanswerable questions.

If a relationship of sex without love is hollow, what is this love without a physical connection categorized under? Does it qualify at all by the dominant definition of loving another? In his experience he knows that no love lasts. It needs a battle every now and then. Like evolution fights it's predecessor, love takes on the current situation and attacks it to be pushed to the next level at the cost of blood, tears and tears. Naturally, at some point it will reach a stage where the fight is for more than the equation between two people. It becomes a war with who you are.

That is evolution. That is inescapable. But how much can he change for someone he is undoubtedly in love with? Can he suppress his instincts, these animal urges, and follow in the footsteps of love like a blind man being led by a vicious seeing dog? After having seen the precious life that being with someone can offer, can he kill the demon within him to make room for the monsters of both their worlds?

Maybe his whole idea of love is warped like a brain on salvia. If all love is temporary, why struggle? If no love is complete, why search for relationship utopia? There is nothing that can answer these questions for him. There is no one who can change the way things are. Putting himself in her shoes, the empathy for her fear is easy to feel. The dread of finally submitting the one thing she truly owns for herself can be understood. Justified even.

Then why does he feel so horrible? Reduced to emulating a leech that tries to suck every iota of life and joy from her. If he truly loves her, he should stop making her cry. He would do well to simply step back to the shadows he came from, instead of beating down on the effort and eventually destroying the one beautiful thing in his arms.